I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
3 2 1 whiskey
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
