i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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