the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
