but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
