Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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