I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
