apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
