Who wears a wallet chain?!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
