chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
