I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
