I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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