if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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