Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
