Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
