but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
