my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and she was petting her beer can
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
