My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
