dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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