come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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