I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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