First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
