mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She bit a glass in half.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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