Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
