DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
