five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
