it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
