I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
