my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
