i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
