I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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