your parents love me but you hate me
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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