You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I checked into jail on foursquare
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
