after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
