I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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