Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
