I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
