i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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