Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
