After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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