and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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