so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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