i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
