Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
