Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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