Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
