I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
