i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
