I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
