Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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