I wish they made helmets for livers.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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