I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
