this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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